I've always struggled with my health, and this came to a head in the Winter of 2018.
is when I caught mono, the virus that would go on to wreck my system in a way that I'm still suffering from. Ever since catching mono I've had to deal with this fun and funky array of symptoms:
>Fainting upon standing (this is a big one)
>General difficulty with eating and digestion
>Migraines>A fun little thing I've dubbed the "Wheel of Symptoms," where every other week or so a new problem crops up that I have to deal with.
In some ways, the recent transition to a more internet-centric lifestyle has been a great relief for me.
In other ways, I feel like my ability to rest is even more limited.
My productivity catalyst is constantly a few feet away, voluntarily unused as my head throbs beneath my left eyeball, its closed metal shell taunting "you can't even do this simple thing!"
I try to sleep without guilt.
Sleep, which my body demands greedily, is the capitalist artist's curse. Success seems to be built on a lack of need; no need to eat, no need to sleep. Only nonstop production, a self-enforced policy of overwork and disregard for self.
I often find myself so far away from this productive ideal that I fall into despair.
There's a phrase I once heard repeated,
"You have four burners. One is family, one is friends, one is health, and one is work.
"To be successful, you have to shut off one of those burners.
"To be REALLY successful, you have to shut off two."
Generalizations like this tend to bother me, and this one isn't exempt. Yet, it still comes to mind regularly.
Which of my burners are on? And which could I do without?
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